Hard To Accept This Loss

Came home today, from a calm weekend with my best friend and her parents.One of the most calmest weekends ever and yet, i still couldn't help but think about my friend Boris. Boris Cikovic, croatian, goodlooking, super funny and dead. Got shot.

No longer here. God i keep on saying it, but its just never going to register. Like, i know he's gone, but i swear it just feels like hes on vacation. I can say, i know im never going to see him again but, is that for real?

Is he never going to be drinking with my other crazy friends? Is he never going to b going home from scarlett with my best friends, brittney and Uros? Is he never going to be my friend and just b there?

I keep on trying to sleep, but every little sound wakes me. Nevermind every little sound, up at my friends cottage, in our room that damn clock! I could hear it ticking and i swear the ticking would get louder and louder and louder (as if it was Big ben or something) then it would go really quiet. As if it was being muffled by a pillow. And all i could think about was all the good times i had with my best friend. I can't cry anymore about it, even though sometimes i feel like there is a giant hole in my chest. Its not fair man.

Alot of my friends, were angry with God. Me? ...Not really.I was of course (and still am) more angry with the people that actually shot Boris. But if anything i was more confused about why he let this happen. And then my mom told me something, that i think calmed me down a bit (along with her super "knock-a-horse-on-their-ass" sleeping pills) that

God lends parents there children, and he knows when is it that they are going to pass. But he doesn't decide how is it that they die. I am 17 years old, and when it comes to beautiful sad thoughts like that, i can't help but believe them.

Oh man

that night was so shit for me. Boris passed away friday. I took half a sleeping pill. KA-BOOM! K.O!

Saturday, i was talking to my friend melvin...wait..not talking..crying. there we go. Crying on the phone, with melvin. He got tired, and wanted to go to bed. As soon as he did, i felt so alone. I began to sob uncontrollably. I went to my mom's room, going back to that 8 yr old sophie, who can't help but sleep with her mom, because she is scared of the dark. Scared of being alone.

I was rubbing my eyes, nose all red, lips super puffy, and my chest heaving. I lost my friend. I needed to cry. so my dad moved out of the bed i dug my head into the mountain of pillows on my mom's bed and wailed my little lungs out. She hugged me and soothed me and all i could say was " I don't understand...hes dead. hes gone. i just..don't understand"...she passed me a glass of water, with this fairly large pill. I swallowed it, followed by water which i - of course- choked on. Got under the covers, and the wailing went to bawling, sobbing, getting quieter. tearing.

numbness. those fricking pills man, made me so dead. i wanted to say goodnight to my mom and dad, but my eyes were crossing. apparently all i was saying was "Mom...i dont know..i dont know.." finally i wanted to say goodnight to Boris. But i drifted.

Friday, october 3rd at 10:40...my friend was gunned down in a park, where he was drinking with his friends, over a $2 fucking tote bag, with a t-shirt and 2 beers inside. He died on the way to the hospital. The bullet went through his abdomen, through his liver. destroying his pancreas. I lost my friend to the most stupidest violent act, over the stupidest shit. I swear, im stronger than most, but im still weak.

And u wanna know what else is really fucked up? Out of the three or four guys that approached him. the one they caught, went to my school last year...

I just want to b able to say good-bye, give him a hug. a kiss, tell him i love him. thats all. I wish i could have appreciated last time we chilled a bit more. But i can't now...I see him in my dreams, but he never speaks to me, hes just in the background. I think i want him to talk to me, but im scared...even as i type this i feel that hole aching. He was so beautiful, and his ending was so tragic and unfair. I just want him to know i am never going to forget him. I want to get his name tatted on my body. Cuz losing him taught me the most valuable lesson i've learnt so far- treasure all the good things in life, bcuz u never really know what it is u have until its taken away from u.

R.I.P BORIS C.

02/22/91-10/03/08

Too many, restless nights thinking about this loss. Wondering if this is real. I still think its a dream.